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This story is dedicated to the women and men who have courageously shared their truth. Thank you. Five years ago if you asked me the notoriously vexing interview question, "where do you see yourself in five years?", the picture I painted would look very different than the reality today. Like everyone, many changes occurred in that time. Some by design. Some not. But perhaps the most unpredictable change came from a moment of telling a secret to a group of near strangers. Since then, the river of life has changed course. In 2013 on a remote Rocky Mountain ranch I sat under the stars with a circle of wilderness guides-in-training and spoke bravely about pain that wretched my heart. The group silently witnessed as I shared my story of childhood molestation and then teenage rape. By allowing the rage and grief to be spoken without trying to fix or change me, the group helped transform a festering wound into a sacred vessel. I left that week with a clear sense of how to apply the training, and I walked away with a sense of personal empowerment. For over a decade I tried various healing therapies to aid my transition from victimhood to sovereignty. For me, though, the radically simple approach we learned that week was in perfect timing for a leap in healing. The shift of power went from needing validation externally to accessing deep states of internal wisdom and resilience. The dynamics of that kind of shift is worthy of a future blog. Nearly a year later I found myself midwifing the idea to offer a similar ceremony to women like me. Women who had experienced sexual trauma and were seeking an embodied path for healing. Women who were ready to shed the shackles of shame and claim a seat in the circle of sovereignty. And by divine earthly intervention there were two other women who, in that moment of inspiration, were willing to birth such a ceremony with me. A few months later a fourth woman gathered our circle of guides and Scar Clan was born. "Scar Clan" is a name used by Clarissa Pinkola Estes to describe the global tribe of people who keep painful secrets and then unleash the courage to speak truth, uncovering their wholeness. Shawna, our fellow guide, felt this name aligned with the intention we set for creating this ceremony. And so it was. For two years we four guides conspired to make the ceremony accessible to as many women as possible. Simultaneously, Scar Clan as both a concept and a lived ceremony worked it's way into my bones. Dare I say, all our bones. During that time both men and women came forth and shared their secrets, many for the first time. Just the mere mention of the ceremony elicited truth telling. In and of itself, the invitation to participate offered an opportunity to liberate secrets. The power was palpable. And yet the ceremony itself never took. We never convened in person in the high desert of New Mexico as planned. The ceremony we so deliberately created did not solidify as we hoped. In my years of facilitating ceremonies, I've learned that a ceremony is as animate as you and I. As an entity, they grow and evolve and it requires deep listening and intuition to keep pace. It is in this place of listening that we find ourselves again. The Scar Clan ceremony may not have looked like a traditional initiation ceremony. But in my experience it was a two year initiation of living a healing life. So I'm listening, we're listening, for how the ceremony wants to move and if it will indeed be a physical gathering of women (and men?) on the land. Recently a spike of awareness has been raised about sexual assault and how prevalent it is across the globe. From Kesha suing her record company, to Lady Gaga bringing down the house at the Oscars, and a slurry of other celebrities standing their ground and offering support. I believe our consciousness is ripening to address this issue with open eyes. I also believe the ceremony carries deep wisdom and knows the timing. As I listen I continue to hear 'stay with it'. It's been a whisper but it's clear, 'stay with it'. I don't know what it will or won't look like but I deeply feel it is alive and transforming. Just as I have been transformed by it. For now, I dwell in a circle of gratitude for the brave souls who have come forth with their stories. Stories of resiliency, courage, grief, and power. I bow to my courageous co-guides - Emerald, Shawna, Cazeaux - for risking themselves to show up and go all in. I offer my beating heart of thankfulness to the canyons of Death Valley, where the land spoke so clearly that this ceremony is ready for embodiment. As one cycle ends, I close with gratitude.  "...Out of this Scar Clan cauldron that we have so fiercely and softly held I have become more whole And feel a rawness of wounding only in moments now Instead of being held captive in the long journey of scalding Flesh falling off necessary For coming forth again anew" -Cazeaux After posting the blog, fellow Scar Clan midwife, *Cazeaux Nordstrum, offered this earthly-bound reflection from her own experience. It stands as beautiful testimony to the circle created. With her permission, I share:
Today on Easter morn, time of resurrection, the blossoming and awakening of Spring I read your blog Shea I noticed myself bowing in awe and in recognition In the sweetness of us four Your message is tender vulnerable strong and wise All at the same time This is my response… I am being lifted up out of the fiery darkness of the earth’s core Slowly returning to something of myself that is familiar And yet quite humbled By which I mean rooted in the ground, of the ground, remaining connected with deep roots in the ground of things To stand, simply stand and be known in my wholeness Wholeness in this way is bringing another consciousness to me To be known and to be seen in all directions and in all ways To stand and be seen in Ways I wanted to keep hidden or more private and less exposed to Judgements misunderstandings But that is not wholeness Wholeness is being seen And wholeness in that way Requires the capacity to be still And simply stand Stand tall perhaps Not there yet It is not an arrogant stance No it is an ordinary embodied fleshed out humanness Like any other thing in nature taking its place and becoming of itself I have deep gratitude for you three and us four Because out of this Scar Clan cauldron that we have so fiercely and softly held I have become more whole And feel a rawness of wounding only in moments now Instead of being held captive in the long journey of scalding Flesh falling off necessary For coming forth again anew You/we have tapped into something ripe with emergence I feel we are listening and watching for the wave, the wind, the small voice of the moment It will come It is already here Bowing with open heart And so much gratitude Cazeaux *From Shea: Cazeaux is a guide with School of Lost Borders, Earth Ways LLC, and Rites of Passage. To be in ceremony with Cazeaux is a joy, privilege, and gift. I highly recommend checking out her Four Shields of Women. |
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